Thanksgiving Dinner

Donovan Park

11-16-11

Mrs. Boyle

Honors Lit and Comp II

Thanksgiving Dinner

The typical thanksgiving usually involves the perfect family reunion. Everybody is so happy to see each other, and the mood is generally full of love. Dinner is always perfect, all the food cooked to a tee. Everybody talks about how grateful they are for all the blessings and good joy they received over the past year. Now, me personally, I’m grateful for every single thing I’ve got in this world except thanksgiving that is. Let me tell you a story. A story called “THANK goodness it’s over.”

Now you have to realize my family basically gets together once in a blue moon, so Thanksgiving is sacred past time. My mom runs around like a chicken with her head cut off. Everything has to be perfect or in her mind she’s committed a mortal sin. That being said, I literally never see her! She doesn’t even sit down at dinner. She’s to infatuated with going around asking everyone “How’s the food? Is it good? Are you sure, are you sure?” And this is just one piece of the puzzle.

My Dad, oh boy where to start with my Dad, does superman work? You have to respect any man who can deal with my Mother. Seriously, he acts as if she’s not even there, and if she talks to him she gets the simple: “Yes Honey, sure honey, whatever you want honey.” Man knows how to deal with woman! You see my Father understands that having two neurotic parents doesn’t make for a very good time. So he simply shrugs everything off. I remember one year the dog literally jumped up on the table, knocked all of the food onto the floor that my Mother had spent hours slaving over a hot oven to make, and all my Father had to say was: “It’s no big deal, I’ll order take out.” As if that’s what he really wanted to happen in the first place, I mean my Mom isn’t the best cook but at least she tries.

                  Well now that you know more about my parents I should probably talk about my other family members, that for whatever reason it may be actually enjoy this dreadful holiday at my house. Basically my “two families” are polar opposites. On my Mother’s side you have the very uptight, snobby, pessimistic, and quite frankly too rich to care about anything other than money, fine wine, and “purified” water people. Like seriously, water is water! There the type of people that would literally buy cloth napkins just for show, but never actually use them. I’ve never seen such arrogant people in my life either. One time my Aunt Jane literally refused to eat the turkey because she didn’t help in the preparation of the stuffing and thus deemed it “un pure.” Because according to her stuffing is the most hallowed of all thanksgiving foods because it’s representative of some mumbo jumbo she read from one of those crazy magazines woman love to read, ugh who cares she’s a lunatic. I’ve also never heard a woman complain so much in my life, and that’s saying something. If I had to pick two quotes that perfectly describe my Aunt Jane on Thanksgiving it would be these: “The turkey is to dry.” “I don’t know why you did it like this; I would have done it like this.” I SWEAR in her eyes she’s Jesus. I bet if you asked talked to her she would say her stuffing is the reason we are forgiven for our sins, and not because Jesus actually died on the cross. She might possibly have the falsest opinion anyone could ever have of themselves, but that’s beside the point like I said she’s crazy. Now you must be thinking that there has to be at least one normal person in my family, WRONG. I’d like to introduce you to my Uncle Eddie, another psychotic part of my Mother’s family. Now it’s hard for me to really elaborate on who this guy is because I honestly only see him at Thanksgiving or Christmas, basically whenever he’s getting free gifts or food. And I swear he thinks my parents are an ATM machine: “ Darla, honey the house looks fantastic as do you of course….you guys look like you’re doing well for yourselves here, anyway you could help your favorite brother out?” This statement usually ends with some crazy scheme he’s skewed up and if it actually ever went through you’d probably see him on CNN the next morning, most likely behind bars. Funny thing, this guy literally had it made. Typical rich kid story pampered his whole life and pleasured with all the delicacies of the “high life”. My grandparents, rest there poor souls, left him with 400,000 dollars. He somehow managed to blow most of that away probably at some exotic casino in Hawaii. Boy does he love Hawaii. And the sad thing is he’s burnt so many bridges that nobody is willing to help him out. Quite frankly I think he’s a bum, you’d think he would try to change for the better or something like that, but no whatever….Well that’s enough about my Mother’s family. You must be stoked to learn about my Father’s family right?

                  My Father’s side of the family, oh brother this should be fun. The one compliment I give them is that they might possibly be the most down to Earth people in our family, but that’s most likely because their more country than a dirt road full of potholes. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen one of them grab a piece of turkey with their bare hands, or how many times I’ve seen left over rabbit that my Uncle Charlie made sitting in my fridge because nobody ate it. Don’t get me started on Uncle Charlie. He’s the quietest man in the world except for when it’s “game time.” He sits there the whole day gnawing on chips, drinking beer, and uttering sports trivia that nobody cares about. And when a “touchdown” is scored he acts as if he’s trapped in a bubble and the only means of it popping is if he screams at the top of his lungs and jumps around like a buffoon. Ha-ha, that reminds me of the time when the opposing team scored and my Father did the same thing just to prove a point. I remember Charlie saying: “Shut up, I’m trying to listen.” The life of a hypocrite got to love it. You couldn’t imagine this man ever being a father right? Well he is. My little cousin Brian spawned from that man and is probably the worst part of our family get togethers. Brian doesn’t seem to understand that asking literally a million questions that make absolutely no sense to anyone but himself doesn’t make him look any smarter: “Did you know the astronomical symbol of the moon actually represents the pre-roman perquisite of the cookie?” WHERE DOES HE GET THIS STUFF! He also believes that it’s his job to run around and turn every single TV on, stick his hand in every bag of chips, and he must go downstairs to the basement, lug about 5 boxes of toys, and turn the living room into Toys R Us. He’s the kid that you slap when he’s not looking, and act as if nothing happened. He’s definitely the icing on the cake when it comes to Thanksgiving.

                  Now we come to the end of my story “el fin” as I like to call it. My grandparents, boy do I love these guys, after all there the only Grandparents I have left. Now, remember back to when I said there were no normal people in my family? I lied, a twist! The most genuine, non-self-absorbed people I know. I look at them as the “glue” of the family, because without them everything would fall apart. The ultimate peace makers, they require the upmost respect. My Grandfather a Vietnam veteran, enough said. Nobody ever acts up around him, not only because he has that intimidating military thing going on, but also because nobody wants to get caught up in what I call the “Vortex.” I honestly to this day believe he wrote that movie called the “Never Ending Story”. I remember one time little Brian came crashing into the room and snagged a piece of chicken right out of my Father’s hand. And I just remember Grandpa saying: “Aye boy do you want to know how I lost my pinkie finger? Do something like that again and I’ll tell you how.” I swear he uses it to his own advantage now, like he’s had some conscious breakthrough and now realizes the true deadliness he possess with his mouth. I love that guy, but not as much as my Grandmother she’s amazing. She gives so much. One time she overheard me talking about this new video game I wanted “Radio Jam” if I recall. She called me over and slipped me a 20 dollar bill and said: “Have some fun, I love you.” I have so much respect for her because she grew up with literally nothing, at the age of 12 she was sent to a foster home and by 19 was out on the streets by herself. She worked 3 jobs for many years until finally her blessing came. She received an offer to be the manager of a very affluent banking company. She kept that job for 40 years. Although she may not be the richest person in the world she surely lives a comfortable life. In my eyes she’s the reason my parents are still together. One Thanksgiving about 8 years ago my parents got into a terrible fight. My Dad had missed Thanksgiving dinner, and basically it led to my Mom accusing him of adultery. Which was a Ludacris acquisition to make, because my Dad would never do that in a million years, but hey she’s a woman can’t blame her. Anyway, I remember my Grandmother getting up and saying: “I can’t take this anymore, you two have something special going on here, and it would be a damn shame for you to waste it. If you two love each other, fight for your love. Please don’t let ten wonderful years go to waste. You only live once cherish every moment you have together and don’t let something as stupid as this ruin it.” Isn’t she fantastic? My Grandmother is grateful for every single breath she’s taken on this Earth, and even the most insignificant facets of life make her happy. That’s what it’s all about to me. I guess what I’m trying to say is I love my family as foolish as they may be I’m a part of them just as much as they are a part of me. They’ve grown on me. They let me know that I’m human because I can be myself around them, and they are surely themselves around me.  I guess I should probably change the name of this story. “THANK Goodness they’re a part of my life.”